Tomorrow I go in for my glucose screening—yuck! I'm fairly certain that I can conjure up the taste of the sickly-sweet concoction just by thinking about it... I suppose on a positive note, though, Chris will be doing the morning thing with Logan while I'm there, so I'll have an hour all to myself...even if it is in a waiting room. Must remember to bring something interesting to read.
What's new this week? Lately I've definitely been feeling less excitement about the experience of pregnancy during this second go than I did when it was novel and new. Don't get me wrong; I love feeling my precious, growing baby squirming and kicking, I love that I've been given the opportunity to nurture and house this little life until he's ready to come into the world, and when all is said and done, even giving birth is not that bad... And getting to meet and nurse and cuddle a new little life is incredible. But right now I'm struggling with the notion of "giving up" my body; both in a physical and emotional sense.
What is it specifically? I guess it's hard seeing myself put on more weight than Jude requires of me; it's both so easy to justify and so hard to control. It's challenging that I find myself not wanting to be intimate with my husband as often because of how I feel about this body, even though I "should" think that I look beautiful. It's true that I love the belly, but I'm not a size 2, 4, or even 6 with a baby bump...I'm a size 10 with all of the curves to go with it. At some point it feels like a girl can only have so many curves, and on my figure a belly is just one too many! How frustrating is it that I still have body issues even when I'm growing life?!
Feeling waddle-y, the difficulty rolling over at night, and the miscellaneous pain here and there definitely all contribute to the exasperated feelings of, "How do I still have three months left of this?!?". But I think just through writing this out I'm discovering that I probably wouldn't mind those things—that I wouldn't "mind" pregnancy—as much if I felt at peace with my physical shape.
I certainly don't know how to reconcile all of this myself, and the truth is that I probably can't. Logically, I think I need to seek better nutrition for the sake of being healthy versus vain. Emotionally and spiritually, I think I need to bring my body issues to God and realign myself with His greater purpose and plans.
In spite of all of my whining, here's this week's belly pic...
And the 27 week sketch {from The Bump}...
5 comments:
Beth Moore's latest thing is about body image and self confidence. It's very eye opening and made me realize just how bad I see myself. I hate that as a woman I am insecure...I'm not a teenager any more, you know? I've grown life, for crying outloud! haha
I remember the feeling that you are feeling...but trust me, you really do look amazing! I would have guessed you were a size 4 or 6, so you wear your weight REALLY well. You are beautiful and I know that Chris thinks so too! Remember that your body is doing an amazing thing -- growing life -- so don't be so hard on yourself!
Hope the glucose screening went ok!
Good luck with the screening. I understand how you feel about the body image thing. I've definitely been struggling with that in the post-partum stage. No excuses for me now!
You're doing wonderfully, Jess, growing a miracle.
Thanks for your supportive comments, ladies! I'll have to check out Beth Moore's stuff on body image, too--that sounds hugely helpful!
I think everyone feels that way during pregnancy - I know I do! Just remember that as long as you're healthy, baby will be too! You look fantastic!
xo
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